at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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