he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
