just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
