My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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