I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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