I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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