Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
