guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm both gender and math confused
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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