I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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