I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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