nut hugger
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
