You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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