You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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