More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
