did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
