All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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