he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
