I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
