she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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