He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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