There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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