the condom got lost in my hair
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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