Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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