my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
