my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
