go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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