Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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