Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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