I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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