Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
