I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
