You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
