I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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