i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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