im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
