There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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