I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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