she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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