First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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