how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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