i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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