so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
