so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw a hot homeless man
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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