I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
