you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
