I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
