Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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