I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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