I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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