woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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