Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
