My friends, they love my intelligence
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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