the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
