I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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