I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
