Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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