I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
